For those of
you who do not live in the USA you might not know about Thanksgiving. Americans
celebrate it on the fourth Thursday of each November because apparently it was
too complicated to just have it on the 24th of every November. It is
okay to have Christmas on the 25th and May Day on the 1st
and Cinco de Mayo on the Mayo – but no, Thanksgiving had to be different. So
that’s why numerically-challenged Americans appear to be confused in November
and often resort to counting on their fingers.
I have to
say that I know that Koreans, Kanadians and Kardashians also have Thanksgiving
holidays in their countries and while I don’t want to seem small I will say
that their celebrations are copycats and should not be confused with the REAL
thing here in the USA, eh.
Thanksgiving
got started because after the famous Tea Party incident Americans were very
happy and thankful that we didn’t have to drink all that tea during the winter.
That explains why we never drink tea on Thanksgiving and why most American
families drink copious amounts of champagne and JD that day.
The central
focus of Thanksgiving is around the cooking of the turkey. Turkeys can be
baked, barbq’d, smoked, grilled, or boiled and preferably all this is done
after your local Kroger store has removed the feathers, the beak, and Nancy
Pelosi. But no turkey is complete and no meal is planned that doesn’t
supplement the turkey with enough food to feed an entire turkey farm. Of course
on Thanksgiving many of us down a small keg of Wild Turkey (no offense to JD). My
family believes that eating copious starches on Thanksgiving gives you good
luck for 7 years and that is why we have mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes,
dressing from inside the turkey, dressing cooked outside the turkey, three
breads, and of course kimchi fried rice.
If the
starches don’t kill you there are the sweets. Cranberry sauce accompanies the
turkey, the starches and of course grandma. Despite being so full you could
explode after all that food, the coup d’etat comes at the end when grandma
proudly unveils the pies – of apple, cherry, pecan, pumpkin, rhubarb, and
whatever else Marie Calender provided from the shelves at Kroger late on Wednesday
night.
Don’t think
there aren’t any vegetables on the table. It seems some item in this cornucopia
ought to be good for you. But nay even the vegetables have been cooked with fried
onion rings, creamy gravies, and God-knows what other toppings designed to make
them equally damaging as the rest of the components of the meal. Did I mention
that Wild Turkey goes swimmingly on the turkey, the starches, vegetables,
grandma, and on most desserts?
My favorite
part of the meal is when the crane lifts me to the liquor cabinet where I bring
out the cognac. There is something about a nice cognac filtering through the
congested digestive tract that brings on a feeling of calm and overall
spirituality. That is, cognac makes a nice nap ever so possible and enjoyable.
Of course
the meal is just part of the Thanksgiving Celebration. This holiday brings
together the entire family including some members who do not seem to be so
thankful and some who do not even seem to belong in your family. But let’s not
be picky. Every family has those people who seem like they came from outer
space. And that is precisely why we drink heavily before, throughout, and then
after the meal. Once that nice haze comes over me it is amazing how interesting
and funny I am. But then Betty puts an end to that. After several hours of
washing the dishes, I am permitted to return to the social part of the day and
of course to another round of Wild Turkey shots.
Since it is
coming on Thanksgiving, I thought I would tell you that I don’t really have the
energy to write about the macro environment or the turkeys in Washington D.C.
this week but I did want you to know that Betty and I wish you the very best
this week – whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or Chuseok or the Maple Leafs.
Translated – you get the week off from the usual blog paranoia. So enjoy! When I
recover next week I promise to return to form unless I am captured by aliens.