I offered no predictions last year and therefore I can honestly say that none of my predictions failed. But I knew that your holiday would be spoiled if I did not add a few tantalizing forecasts to those you will be hearing from real experts during the next week. So I am giving you 11 predictions for the price of 10.
1. President Obama will announce a new directive in which Michelle his wife will become Queen for life of America. Congress and the Supreme Court are unnecessary obstacles under her regime so those pesky institutions will be disbanded.
2. Marco Rubio will grow a whole foot next year and will tower over the other candidates at the debates at 6’6”.
3. Iran, Cuba, and North Korea will form a new country named Korcuran. After their first practice shot with a nuclear tipped ballistic missile they will explain to western friends that they have no nuclear tipped missiles and would never aim them at Israel.
4. Vice President Kerry will be scammed by third graders posing as fifth graders at a Kool-Aid stand.
5. Carly Fiorina will be named most congenial from among the Republican presidential candidates. Despite constant rumors she will not marry Matt Lauer or Hoda.
6. Bernie Sanders will lose the Democratic nomination for President but will be among the top five candidates for emperor of Korcuran.
7. Late starters, Dennis Rodman and Charlie Sheen, will win the Presidential election next November. Both are considered to be outsiders who will stand up for the little guy while being totally unintelligible. And possibly drunk. Queen Michele Obama will protest the election.
8. Delta and United Airlines will soon be marketing new standing areas on their international flights. While paying for all the usual amenities (baggage, JD, etc) flyers will now have to Pee for Pay in the lavatory. If a passenger cannot remain standing during the full 18 hour flight to Australia, he or she can pay flight attendants a little extra to tie them to their poles. Let’s not stand for that!
9. The Indiana University football team will not play anyone in the defensive backfield next year. They have brokered a deal to have 15 players on the offense and only 7 on the defense.
10. Net Neutrality will become the law of the land next year but most people do not have a net and are not remotely neutral. In a poll taken earlier this year 14 out of 10 people did not know what net neutrality means.
11. Obamacare will not be repealed. It will be renamed Rodmancare. Among the many new benefits will be a free week with unlimited healthcare in Korcuran and a discounted round trip airfare in Delta’s new Standing Zone.
I think I am running out of steam.
I hope you had a nice Christmas and 2016 brings you everything you ever dreamed of and more. And yes, send money if you can.