For those of you who do not live in the USA you might not know about Thanksgiving. Americans celebrate it on the fourth Thursday of each November because apparently it was too complicated to just have it on the 24th of every November. It is okay to have Christmas on the 25th and May Day on the 1st and Cinco de Mayo on the Mayo – but no, Thanksgiving had to be different. So that’s why numerically-challenged Americans appear to be confused in November and often resort to counting on their fingers.
I have to say that I know that Koreans, Kanadians and Kardashians also have Thanksgiving holidays in their countries and while I don’t want to seem small I will say that their celebrations are copycats and should not be confused with the REAL thing here in the USA, eh.
Thanksgiving got started because after the famous Tea Party incident Americans were very happy and thankful that we didn’t have to drink all that tea during the winter. That explains why we never drink tea on Thanksgiving and why most American families drink copious amounts of champagne and JD that day.
The central focus of Thanksgiving is around the cooking of the turkey. Turkeys can be baked, barbq’d, smoked, grilled, or boiled and preferably all this is done after your local Kroger store has removed the feathers, the beak, and Nancy Pelosi. But no turkey is complete and no meal is planned that doesn’t supplement the turkey with enough food to feed an entire turkey farm. Of course on Thanksgiving many of us down a small keg of Wild Turkey (no offense to JD). My family believes that eating copious starches on Thanksgiving gives you good luck for 7 years and that is why we have mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, dressing from inside the turkey, dressing cooked outside the turkey, three breads, and of course kimchi fried rice.
If the starches don’t kill you there are the sweets. Cranberry sauce accompanies the turkey, the starches and of course grandma. Despite being so full you could explode after all that food, the coup d’etat comes at the end when grandma proudly unveils the pies – of apple, cherry, pecan, pumpkin, rhubarb, and whatever else Marie Calender provided from the shelves at Kroger late on Wednesday night.
Don’t think there aren’t any vegetables on the table. It seems some item in this cornucopia ought to be good for you. But nay even the vegetables have been cooked with fried onion rings, creamy gravies, and God-knows what other toppings designed to make them equally damaging as the rest of the components of the meal. Did I mention that Wild Turkey goes swimmingly on the turkey, the starches, vegetables, grandma, and on most desserts?
My favorite part of the meal is when the crane lifts me to the liquor cabinet where I bring out the cognac. There is something about a nice cognac filtering through the congested digestive tract that brings on a feeling of calm and overall spirituality. That is, cognac makes a nice nap ever so possible and enjoyable.
Of course the meal is just part of the Thanksgiving Celebration. This holiday brings together the entire family including some members who do not seem to be so thankful and some who do not even seem to belong in your family. But let’s not be picky. Every family has those people who seem like they came from outer space. And that is precisely why we drink heavily before, throughout, and then after the meal. Once that nice haze comes over me it is amazing how interesting and funny I am. But then Betty puts an end to that. After several hours of washing the dishes, I am permitted to return to the social part of the day and of course to another round of Wild Turkey shots.
Since it is coming on Thanksgiving, I thought I would tell you that I don’t really have the energy to write about the macro environment or the turkeys in Washington D.C. this week but I did want you to know that Betty and I wish you the very best this week – whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or Chuseok or the Maple Leafs. Translated – you get the week off from the usual blog paranoia. So enjoy! When I recover next week I promise to return to form unless I am captured by aliens.