Dumb, Dumber and Space Aliens

Unbeknownst to us, a space ship parked in the outer atmosphere one year ago and promised to destroy Earth on January 1, 2013. It was widely agreed that we could protect ourselves from this menace by launching a two-stage rocket with a nuclear weapon with a large cherry on its nose. Dr. Dumb suggested that the first stage rocket be red. Dr. Dumber wanted the first stage rocket to be blue. In no way would Dumb agree to have the first stage be blue. Dumber explained a red first stage would be unacceptable as well.

Knowing they had the luxury of a year to come up with a solution they did write on a stone tablet that if they were unable to come to an agreement by Dec 31, 2012 then an automatic solution would be implemented in which the red leadership would have to spend a whole evening fox trotting with Nancy Pelosi. The blue leadership would spend the night playing chess with Rush Limbaugh. Enough said. A solution would be coming. No one would want to expose the nation to these possibilities.

Dr Seuss, a well -known compromiser, explained that a purple rocket  might work but that was unacceptable to both sides. So during 2012 the Dumbs and the Dumbers argued. The Dumbs passed a bill in the Dumb House that would shoot a red rocket half way. They reasoned that while it would not kill the aliens, the beauty of the red rocket going halfway would make people more cheerful, especially people in Indiana, Georgia, China, and Nebraska and other places that love red. The Dumber House was not going to fall for that stupidity and spent the year legislating a new requirement that all overweight people would have to spend 90 minutes a day with a hula hoop.

On New Year’s Eve 2012 the Dumbers finally did pass legislation. It advanced a proposal to have the first stage of the rocket be blue but allowed for the possibility that the tip of the propeller could have a small red dot. That was fair and the Dumbs should have no trouble with that. They promised by swearing an oath on Ho Chi Minh’s grave that the next time we have a space invasion they will advocate a first stage rocket totally painted red. And they gave the Dumbs three minutes before the stroke of midnight to decide. The Dumbs were dumbstruck and called in Oprah for help. They decided to call the Dumbers a lot of really bad names. The Dumbers responding by saying nah nah nah nah  and your mother wears combat boots. Both sides did agree at the last minute to send Jello shots into space in such a way that it spelled out a message to the aliens -- “please give us two more months to work on this.”

When the clock was about to strike 12 Cinderella arrived on the scene and kissed the frog and everything was made better. No that’s not right. At midnight the aliens came to earth and announced that they had changed their plans. Planet Earth was obviously too stupid to destroy – and they planned to televise our daily activities on an intergalactic cable network reality TV show called Democracy at Work.

So have a Happy New Year.