AT&T, Barbara Walters, The Economy, and 4th of July

After losing another chunk of wealth this week and reading too many doomsday articles, I was ready to punch a horse when our electricity went out at 2:30 pm on Friday. No one seems to know why a perfectly good pole decided to fall onto our street, taking many lines down with it. No, we folks who live in Bloomington do not have underground utilities (but we do have a mayor and City Council who are very publicly pissed at the governor of Arizona). Luckily the power folks were out here in an instant and restored power within an hour. For Comcast customers, they were lucky too because we saw at least three Comcast trucks out shortly after the incident. But alas, we are AT&T customers and AT&T is still nowhere to be found almost 24 hours later. Yes, we did place many calls and talked to nice Indians in India and we are promised a visit from local repair people. To makes things convenient for us they said they might come between 8 am and noon. It would be lovely to watch Germany today in the World Cup at 10 am but that looks impossible. Maybe we will get to watch Spain later. We will see. Right now we have no TV, no Internet, and no land line. It is a good thing my washer and dryer are not connected to AT&T.

My talk with the consumer disservice people was really fun. We tried all kinds of things but the little red light on my modem kept blinking and blinking and blinking. He was kind and polite and asked me at the end of our 63 minute conversation if there was any more he could do for me. I didn’t respond but later I thought of a lot of really colorful things to say.

The reason I write is because I am really bored and because I was on the front porch watching the grass grow when I thought up a really great analogy for today’s economic misery. Those of you with TV, Internet and telephone might not find this as funny as I do right now, but I appreciate your willingness to hear me out.

So here is Mary. Until a year ago, Mary was the envy of all the girls and some of the boys. She was so slim she could have been an underware model for Victoria Secret. Then without even realizing it, a so-called friend of hers introduced her to the infamous Twinky. Mary was instantly hooked and without going through all the details, let’s just say that a year later Mary gained 80 pounds and was no longer thin enough to be an underware model for Victoria Secret. She didn’t feel very well either so she decided to lose weight.

Mary, being a careful cognitive kind of kid, carefully careened (I know, I know) around the Internet studying all the different approaches to weight loss and settled on a diet which let her eat 100 red seedless grapes a day. She also drank no water. She also skipped her 10 am Twinky. After a few days she dropped 8 pounds. The diet really worked, so she tried it a few more days and lost 7 pounds. Woopee! She was on a roll. All her friends commented on how much better she looked. She spent hours in front of the mirror.

The second week came and Mary was feeling a little weak and sad. She was also having some digestive distress but we won’t go into the details here for the sake of the children. So she decided to add back the 10 am Twinky. I forgot to tell you that she was still eating the other Twinkies at 8 am, noon, 6 pm, and midnight. Some of her friends warned her that her diet was pretty weird and not really a long run solution, but Mary was not about to give up those Twinkies. There must be another way!

The 10 am add-back did make her feel a little better but in the next few days she only lost 4 pounds and she was really despondent. At 4 pounds, it would take months and months to lose enough weight for her to get back into her skin tight revealing Levis jeans. What was Mary to do?

Luckily the national press found out about Mary – Geraldo, Beck and Barbara Walters all came to Mary’s rescue. Geraldo suggested that she get a big bright sign and march outside the Whitehouse to represent Americans and illegals who have been unfairly fattened by the makers of Twinky. Beck thought a thorough reading of Thomas Jefferson would help. Barbara counseled her on TV with very thoughtful empathetic eyebrows. She didn’t actually give her advice but she cried three times.

So there you have it. What was Mary to do? It wouldn’t be fair to deprive her of her regular Twinky. And diets can be SOOOO hard. Exercise is cool but Mary was not going to put on an ugly sweatsuit and ACTUALLY glisten. The US government determined that a commission would be formed to help Mary and the millions of others like her – but it would make no sense to begin meeting until after the November election. Meanwhile, Mary’s rate of weight loss has slowed and reversed. Her blood pressure is rising but the plus is that she has been invited to participate in all the newest reality shows. We understand she might produce a new one – Diabetes Debs.

Just to make sure there is no confusion about the first line of the post – I did not actually punch a horse. I don’t even know a horse well enough to punch. My dog died about 10 years ago and my kids left town years ago. I repeat – no one got punched, kicked or throw out with the dirty bath water. But it is another hour later and no AT&T. I will post this if and when I have access to the Internet Until then I hope you are having a great weekend.

This message is in NO WAY meant to humiliate or denigrate Mary or the Twinky Corporation. If Twinky’s stock value falls tomorrow it is because mean, vicious, did I say mean, selfish, rich, greedy hedge fund managers decided to put a sell or sell a put or whatever. I am barely able to take care of myself much less be responsible for such big things.