You need a break. You have been entertaining friends and family and you need an excuse -- any excuse -- to sneak into your office or garage and pretend to be doing something important. So here it is -- Davidson's annual predictions for the new year. What better excuse than that?
I have never lived through a time when forecasting was more useless. But that doesn't mean that you have to remain dormant until the next epoch of predictable boredom. I hear people making predictions all the time. I heard one women in Target the other day telling her son that if he didn't eat the pepperoni on his pizza, his wiener would fall off.
Anyway, I thought it my personal duty to share my thoughts about 2017 with you:
- The government will make driving while texting legal and will start a new promotion called Texting, Weed, and Driving. Nancy Pelosi was quoted in the Bloomington Herald Times as saying that if drivers are going to be distracted then they should be REALLY distracted. Hu Ha.
- National Debt will be renamed National Advantage and economists will write hundreds of articles about why Advantage will make America great again.
- Global change activists will demand that President Trump expand the wall to the west around California and then up to Seattle. An eastern expansion would include Florida up to Maine. Of course, Mexico will be asked to pay for it. They will pay with Tequila.
- The Stones will make a new album devoted to all their fans from the 1960s. The lead song will be I've Got Those Swollen Prostate Blues.
- Bloomington's Mayor will rename Christmas. It will now be called Freeze Your ASS Off Day.
- Amazon's request to merge with AT&T, Google, and Uber will be allowed. Once the merger is consummated, the new company will be larger than the US government and will replace it. All Congressional representatives will be sent home and given pensions that will expire when hell freezes over.
- China will "merge" with all the countries of the Pacific Rim. After attempting to integrate California and Washington, they will balk and say something like, "We like their music but they are way too wacked out for us." The US will be stuck with both coasts.
- All the countries of the European Union except for Germany will leave the EU and join something called the BrEntrance.
- To stave off future security issues and tackle European financial instability, Greece will be sold to Russia and the resulting country will be named Grussia. The GDP of Grussia will soon fall lower than Haiti's.
- Donald Trump will get a new hair style -- he will shave his head and sell his locks to the highest bidder.